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Hey, Glenn Beck: Expose Me

by Mickey Weems
Contributor
Thursday Sep 10, 2009
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Entertainer-turned-patriotic-messiah Glenn Beck has gleefully claimed his first victim in his battle for the soul of America. Due in large part to Beck’s intricate oligarhy (that’s how he spells it) conspiracy theory connecting President Obama with communism, Van Jones has resigned from the position as Special Advisor for Green Jobs.

Since Jones’ resignation, Beck has reportedly tweeted his minions to find dirt on other targets: Cass Sunstein, Mark Lloyd, and Carol Browner.

Problem is, there were plenty of really, really radical people that Glenn overlooked in order to fantasize for days about the Devil in Mr. Jones. After that little dog-and-pony show, we can assume that anyone else accused by Beck is about as wicked as Dora the Explorer.

On the other hand, I am a real threat to American civilization. Here are my qualifications:
1. I’m a man who married a dude.
2. I’m a feminist (enough feminists who are women have assured me that vaginas are not mandatory for admission into the club).
3. I do not believe that every American soldier coming home from war is a hero. Let’s use the word only when appropriate.
4. America does not have the best healthcare system in the world.

How’s them for fightin’ words? It goes without saying that I support gay marriage, gays in the military, and universal access to decent healthcare. But that’s just the warm-up. Here is more, guaranteed to raise money for conservat causes:
5. I love ACORN with all my heart. It represents everything good about democracy.
6. Dick Cheney should have his day in court. For treason.
7. Sports that do not encourage openly gay players to participate should be banned.
8. Colleges and universities should lose accreditation if they forbid LGBT student organizations. Same thing if they include creationism when they teach basic biology.
9. Recycling should be mandatory wherever practical. Gasoline and oil consumption should be reduced by 80% in 10 years. Our power grid should shift to solar, wind and other low carbon dioxide emitting, non-nuclear sources.
10. The doctors who helped Octo-Mom get pregnant with eight more kids should pay child support.
11. Separate lines in airports for First Class and Coach when going through metal detectors must cease immediately.

Well, maybe conservats won’t be upset about Number 10. The next batch, however, should drive them bat-shit:
12. Anyone in a state of constant pain should be allowed to kill him or herself if he or she so chooses, and doctors who are medically trained in compassionate euthanasia should be allowed to help them.
13. Marijuana should be legalized and taxed, as should cocaine and opium (FYI: I don’t care to use any of these substances).
14. Automatically higher status for officers over enlisted personnel in the military is un-American. All officers should first go through enlisted training. Enlisted soldiers should be allowed to choose the majority of officers in their units from among their own ranks.
15. Children should learn about trans and intersex as valid identities.
16. The use of devises to kill mass numbers of people should be banned. Plans should be implemented to reduce the production of bombs to 1% of current levels in 10 years.
17. The saying, "Freedom Isn’t Free," is Orwellian nonsense that is too often an excuse for taking away freedom in the name of security.

Glenn baby, I am your wet dream! I teach my college students that socialism is "Looking out for the well-being of your neighbor" and is based on compassion. Capitalism is "using wealth to create wealth," and is based on trust and honesty. Societies fall apart when socialism and capitalism do not stay true to their respective ethics, and both socialism and capitalism are dangerous when one stands alone without the other.

All politicians are liars and whores, I tell them, and a politician should be judged whether the lies told are good for the nation, or only good for the politician. Obviously, the same can be said for talk-show hosts and college professors.

Focus on the real threat to your worldview, Beckmeister. You preach from the idiot box, I teach in the classroom. In the long run, I am much more influential than you will ever be.

With people like me who hold such extremist views (and we are everywhere!), you would not have to lie or even exaggerate when you call down the wrath of God upon us, O Holy Prophet of the 9:12.

Wouldn’t that be a relief?

Dr. Mickey Weems is a folklorist, anthropologist and scholar of religion/sexuality studies. He has just published The Fierce Tribe, a book combining intellectual insight about Circuit parties with pictures of Circuit hotties. Mickey and his husband Kevin Mason are coordinators for Qualia, a not-for-profit conference and festival dedicated to Gay folklife. Dr. Weems may be reached at mickeyweems@yahoo.com

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