Do It Yourself! The Complete Guide to Masturbation
I’m not sure that we really need a book about how to masturbate. It’s an activity that comes naturally to us, from our earliest years. As anyone who has been to a zoo can testify, monkeys do it quite well (and often) without any instructions, written or otherwise.
Nevertheless, "Do It Yourself!" purports to be exactly what its subtitle says, "the complete guide to masturbation." If only.
Although I did learn a few things here and there (condoms may increase pleasure; squatting as a position), too much of the material is already accessible through Internet sites and magazine articles, not to mention the endless trial and error most men have put themselves through to find what satisfies them.
Still, there’s probably a viable book about mankind’s favorite pastime (sorry baseball). In case any budding onanists reading this review want to attempt one, here are my suggestions, none of which I could find in "Do It Yourself!":
• A brief but well-researched overview of the subject from the standpoint of theology (the story of Onan, St. Augustine and way too many others, alas); history (mentioned here in passing); psychology (Freud had plenty to say!); sociology (different cultures have vastly different views on the subject); art (did you know that there was a period in the Middle Ages when Jesus was portrayed with a hard-on as a symbol of his earthly power?); and the law (it is still technically illegal in much of the world).
• A few of the many quotes on the subject. (My favorite will always be Woody Allen’s "Don’t make fun of masturbation. It’s sex with someone I truly love.")
• In the section on where to do it, mentioning the most common public arena, the gym steam room, along with a detailed discussion about the etiquette in that situation, which is pretty intricate. (Other common sites not mentioned: places of worship, the confession box, monasteries, seminaries, the Vatican; and the White House, at least while Bill Clinton was president.)
• A discussion about clothes as stimulation (plenty of jocks, leather and underwear in the photos; nothing in text).
• A look at the weird passion for auto asphyxiation, which took the life of actor David Carradine, among others.
• A formula for making homemade lube (petroleum jelly base with mineral oil and a dollop of Vicks Vaporub. You’re welcome.)
• A discussion about the many natural herbs that stimulate erections, such as tribulus, tongkat ali and yohimbe. This omission is especially surprising, since the author’s biography calls Neiderwieser a "natural healer and therapist." Nor does he mention saw palmetto berry to open the prostate.
• At least a cursory mention of poppers (and the author is German!).
You get the idea. I can only conclude that any author of a book about this subject (who does not even mention the phrase "spanking the monkey" and its use thereof by straight men to keep themselves from arousal on a date) should be sentenced to repeated viewings of "There’s Something About Mary" and have to write the words "hair gel" 100 times. And no, that landmark film about the travails of spanking the monkey is not here, either. It’s like writing a book about wine and not mentioning France!
Do It Yourself! The Complete Guide to Masturbation
By Stephan Niederwieser
176 pages, softcover
$11
Published by Bruno Gmünder
