Pope Francis Won’t Marry Gays But Will Baptize Aliens

by Jason St. Amand
National News Editor
Tuesday May 13, 2014
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Xenomorphs everywhere, rejoice!

While Pope Francis may be still wrestling with his views on same-sex marriage and the potential damnation of LGBT Catholics, one thing is certain: if ever presented with the opportunity, he will gladly baptize Alf, E.T., Marvin the Martian, Chewbacca, Yoda and Mr. Spock and every Ewok on the planet Endor. The Independent reports.

In his morning Mass Monday, Francis told a Bible story about Peter encountering a group of non-Christians receiving the Holy Spirit. He said Catholicism was a church of "open doors" and that it was up to Christians to accept the Holy Spirit however "unthinkable" and "unimaginable" it may be. He added that at that time, it was "unthinkable" for Peter to make contact with "unclean" pagans and that he was criticized by the Christians of Jerusalem.

"If, for example, tomorrow an expedition of Martians came to us here and one said ’I want to be baptized!’, what would happen?" Francis told his audience.

He clarified his comments and added, "Martians, right? Green, with long noses and big ears, like in children’s drawings."

Francis reiterated his infamous comments about judging gay people, but this time with aliens, and asked, "Who are we to close doors?"

"In the early Church, even today, there is the ministry of the ostiary. And what did the ostiary do? He opened the door, received the people, allowed them to pass," he said according to Gay Star News. "But it was never the ministry of the closed door, never."

GSN also reports this is the first time a pope has suggested that an alien baptism could ever occur. The Independent notes, however, one of Pope Francis’ scientists, Guy Consolmango, said in 2010 that aliens may have souls and could be baptized if they asked.

"An entity, no matter how many tentacles it has, has a soul," he said.

The truth is out there.

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