The Road To Fatherhood Part Two : Looking For The Right Agency

Just in case we had not learned that estrogen powers the adoption machine, we certainly would find out while choosing an adoption agency. At various times, I was left longing for a uterus (not a vagina).

Choosing the right agency to work with is possibly the most important part of the adoption process. The agency acts as the liaison between the birth parent(s) and the prospective adoptive parent(s). For both parties, the agency plays a crucial and pivotal role. At times the process can be stressful and emotionally charged for everyone involved. A good agency is one staffed with professionals who can provide the support and guidance to both parties, each with their own host of concerns, questions, and fears.

For a gay couple, finding an agency can be a bit more challenging. Many agencies will tell you that they work with gay couples but it takes some probing to find out if they reallydo. Given that most agencies require fee up-front, there is no risk for the agency to have you on their waiting family list. There is also no guarantee that you will be presented to birth parents for consideration.

We found that a key question to ask was: "How many children have you placed in same-sex families compared to total placements?" This became our "screening" question. Our experiences ran the gamut.

There were the scores of agencies that could be ruled out right over the phone by either the stammering or silence that followed our question. Though frustrating at times, the phone calls could also be fun. With some agencies, I may as well have been asking if they ever place children with bi-polar rodeo clowns with a history of violence. Clearly, this was not a common question. And it wasn't like I was calling Catholic Charities. It proved to be a good way to ensure that our time was not wasted, and it also kept our ego intact. One agency that we met in person without the homo prescreen, elicited so much dancing and squirming that it felt as though we had been cosmically transported to a performance of Riverdance!

Throughout this process, we came to the frustrating realization that there were really only a handful of agencies that truly work with same-sex families. We did have some hilarious moments along the way.

First I must discuss the agency director who also happened to be an aging southern belle. As soon as we met her, I could practically see the plantation behind her and taste the sweet tea and biscuits materialized in my mouth. My gut instinct told me that this was not going to work but she passed the "screening" question with flying colors. As we would soon discover, her over-processed, bouffant hairdo was not the only thing that needed conditioning. In the course of our discussion, she made reference to children with learning disabilities as "retarded." As an adoption professional that works with children, this is as inappropriate as a psychiatrist referring to their patients as "loons." She also made some racial comments, which while mild innuendo, left us feeling like she was a modern day Eva Braun. Um, not exactly the fit we were looking for in an agency. See ya!

Next, we heard of this lesbian who ran an agency. Perfect! Who would better understand our plight? Other than being a small agency, we thought that she held some promise. I was even able to overlook the horrible, ill-fitting suit that she donned. After all, she was there to help us find a baby. It wasn't like we had to sit next to her at Fashion Week. We thought it best to do some due diligence and started asking around about her. The first person we asked grimaced at the mention of her name. The second person we asked referred to her as "sadistic". As a general rule, that is not exactly the description you would like tied to your adoption experience. So, we decided that she was not a good fit for us, kind of like her Wal-Mart suit.

Finally, we seemed to find an agency that held promise. They seemed compassionate and seemed to take good care of birth parents and waiting families. Through the years, they had placed scores of children in good homes where "good" didn't have to be synonymous with "traditional." So far, so good. Before we could contract with them however, they required a weekend visit. So, off we went...

Next: The Agency Visit