EDGE on the Net

Shortly before Barack Obama won the presidential election, I received a curse-laden email from an old friend. Chris, a John McCain supporter, didn’t use his eleventh-hour rant to dis Obama’s policies; his tirade was aimed at the comedian Sarah Silverman, who’d scripted a pro-Obama YouTube clip encouraging Florida Jews to vote for the Black Man. Silverman, in Chris’s words, was a "trained monkey," a woman who had no right to air her political opinions, and who should, instead, be "kissing our ass" every day for keeping her in the lap of luxury. It was people like Silverman, continued Chris, who were responsible for so much of the gluttony in the world, those privileged Hollywood elitists who unfairly rule the world.

On an unrelated note, Chris thinks former movie star Arnold Schwarzenegger is the greatest thing to happen to California politics since former movie star Ronald Reagan set up house.

It’s no secret that celebrity vitriol has surpassed sports as America’s favorite pastime, just as it’s no secret that A-Rod’s true story of steroid abuse isn’t nearly as juicy as Rihanna’s umbrella of gossip. What isn’t always obvious is the enquiring mindset of fans who find nothing hypocritical in their need to topple those on top.

The main argument against celebrities who speak their minds, or anything but their scripts, is that they have an unfair advantage. They are not politicians, yet they insist on using their gift-bag pedestals to preach liberal opinions (for reasons never fully explained by pop-hating pundits, Bo Derek and Clint Eastwood and Patricia Heaton are pretty much free to their conservative thinking be). It’s an interesting argument, if only because it’s about as sturdy as a Wa-Mu loan-application review.

For those of you who missed something in pubescence, let’s get you up to speed -- life isn’t fair. Pretty people win over the pimply faced geeks come Homecoming time, summer jobs are easier secured when your dad owns the business, you’ll probably do better in English if your school can afford books, and if your Mom’s got a pot connection, you’ve just graduated to the head of the party class.

Famous people, the argument goes, are more apt to catch the camera’s attention, which means more people might listen to them, which translates to abortion-rights activists getting more coverage than NRA advocates, which leads to celebrity morons like Susan Sarandon shaping a left-wing agenda.

On an unrelated note, George W. Bush became the 43rd President of the United States based on his foreign-policy skills.

I wish life were fair, just as I wish more people had the guts to speak their minds. Chris is one of those people who will offer up an opinion to anyone within earshot. More impressive, he gets others to listen. Part of his appeal is that he reads a lot and has an avid interest in all things political. An even bigger reason for the attention Chris receives is that he’s almost sinfully good-looking. Chris is over six feet tall, with thick, dark black hair, a tiny waist, and Popeye biceps. Women fawn over him, as do men. Chris is also well-to-do, a guy who took an unsuccessful stab at modeling and acting, then settled into a lucrative, if unsatisfying, corporate job. He is never without a posse of onlooker and hangers-on, more so because he also preaches the gospel of Alcoholics Anonymous. Chris attends at least one meeting a day, and he’s one of the most popular guest speakers on the AA circuit.

In a completely related note, Chris couldn’t get shit for attention if he were a short fat penniless dweeb with no hair and bad shoes.

Since Chris’s profession is finance, I’m not sure he should be allowed to represent AA. He sponsors at least half-a-dozen guys (women are not allowed to have men as sponsors), most of whom are counting days, and almost all of whom have schoolboy crushes on him. Chris is using his elevated position -- and elevated pompadour -- to encourage vulnerable kids to join AA, a blatant abuse of power considering that many believe the organization to be a dangerous cult. While we’re at it, what gives Chris the right to take home a bevy of different babes almost every night? These chicks ain’t after his rocket-science skills. Shouldn’t Chris be more fair and let, say, psychology majors, take home girls in search of a father figure? As far as I’m concerned, Chris should be kissing the taxpayers’ asses for giving him a job -- especially in these times -- and stop meddling in areas he’s not professionally qualified. Chris, it’s time to shut up and money manage!

Celebrities, last time I checked, were citizens too, allowed to speak and think and exercise their freedom of speech. In a world of Stalker Blackberries and 24/7 E! and TMZ, when we film stars being thrown into ambulances, photograph them naked on private property -- or, thanks to cell-phone cameras, gym locker rooms -- and feed off of drunken babes passed out in cars, it seems only fair to let these same people have their fair share of the fun. Yes, loss of privacy comes with the territory. So does sitting in front of a computer all day when you’re writing a column, yet most people sympathize when I complain of back pain. As for the idea that celebrities are all brain-dead idiots whose extra-curricular activities should only be recorded if they are indeed brain-dead (did you see the film of Vanessa Redgrave running from the paparazzi into Lenox Hill Hospital...good times!), the argument holds up as well as Roseanne Barr’s blogging spasms.

As much as I disagree with Chuck Norris’s opinion that the violent reactions to Proposition 8’s passage was in striking contrast to the peaceful protests of Obama’s win (I guess those death threats and Ku Klux Clan membership spikes were non-aggressive), the actor has every right to speak his mind. Intelligence is up for debate, and you can use your own I.Q. to filter out unwanted noise. Better yet, stop being a consumer of products that embrace celebrity culture, or un-couch your inner-potato and make some noise yourself. More than half the people I know who are convinced that celebrity "causes" are never more than vanity causes are the same people who wouldn’t write their congressman if their Days of Our Lives depended on it.

Granted, it’s not helping matters that entertainment and news are intertwined. "Access Hollywood" has a panel of "experts" who debate such heated issues as "The Bachelor" scandal. "The Huffington Report" places Stimulus stories next to Britney’s "F**k Me" video. And I have no idea if "The View" is a news show about celebrities or a celebrity show about news. The only people who take Anderson Cooper seriously anymore are the gossip hounds waiting for him to make a 360 announcement on his sexual orientation. Since every cross-over organization will tell you they are simply addressing the market, all the more reason to let them know you’re in the market for real news.

I have two very wealthy friends; one conservative, the other quite liberal. Neither one of them are famous, yet they could both buy out Sarah Silverman and still have cash left over to bribe Miami undecideds. My friends spend enormous amounts of time and money for causes they hold dear, yet no one’s sending me emails to warn me of their Devil in Prada ways. Having the privilege to be acquainted with and to work with a few "trained monkeys" myself, I know that many of them take refuge in charitable causes. Some of them actually find that it puts more purpose in their lucky lifestyles.

The world is slowly catching up, even if ET online’s "Liam Neeson Spotted After Heartbreaking Loss" photo is another example of reprehensible "reporting." Jane Fonda’s receiving standing ovations (not flying spitballs) for her Broadway return. Liza Minnelli didn’t just wow the critics at the Palace last December, she was rightfully praised by fans and the press for her on-stage antics. After Oscar night, the consensus held that the camera panning to Brad and Angelina during Jennifer’s stage time was in poor taste.

We do love to hate, and The Big Three and Bernie and A.I.G.’s made it so much easier to simply switch channels. It’s no surprise that TMZ has now stationed camera crews next to every private jet with initials on the side. Bonus hounds are getting so many death threats that I’m afraid to use my Best Buy Rewards Zone card. Bankers have gone from scratching "Citi-" off their resume to scratching for Lotto numbers. Jim Cramer’s the new Kramer, and Stewart as Seinfeld is supported by a wrath-track. Chris’s emails went from turning off Silverman to going off on Obama, saying he fabricated a story about his grandmother’s illness in order to dash off to Hawaii and cover-up Birth-Gate. Since no apology followed, I can only assume that Murder-Gate is next. Chris isn’t opposed to famous people speaking their minds; he’s opposed to anyone drowning out his own voice. Even if Goldman Sachs goes the way of Hollywood’s Golden Era, the revolution’s never gonna stop until the beheadings are televised.