EDGE on the Net

Corey Feldman is taking care of the funeral arrangement for his druggie buddy, Corey Haim. He announced, "Because Corey burned the candle at both ends and took a boatful of drugs, I’ll set his body out to sea in a burning boat-in a Hollywood tradition called a "Vicodin Funeral." When asked how long the flames will burn for, Mr. Feldman replied, "They’ll be like Corey: they’ll burn out at 13 years old."

Terrified viewers watching the Olympics’ closing ceremonies called up NBC phone operators when they thought they were seeing a replay of Chile’s earthquake. The callers were calmed down when they were told, "No, the ground isn’t shaking in Vancouver. What you’re seeing is Michael Fox shaking because his Parkinson disease kicked in as he gave a speech."

Madonna has announced that she is going on tour! As is her habit, she is doing the unexpected and having PBS sponsor the tour--which will be called, "Antique Roadshow." For the opening number, she intends to auction off an overstuffed 51 year old beaver that was once owned by Sean Penn then passed down to Dennis Rodman then passed down to Warren Beatty etc. etc. etc. Today, her beaver’s passed on by men 25 and older.

A Florida company has plans to peddle a libido-enhancing gum called Chew Sexlets for heterosexual men in New York. The company is also inventing a gum for gays called "Juicy Fruit." This gum’s selling point is that the chewer can blow good bubbles-like he’s never blown before. And, the gum squirts after you chew it-sometimes too soon; sometimes, too much.

Ex-Presidential hopeful John Edwards tearfully told how his upcoming divorce from his wife Elizabeth has torn him apart: "After consulting with my divorce lawyer, ah said, ’And please-keep me abreast about any thang else that ol’ cancerous kook wants.’ Muh lawyer then said, ’If your kook could’ve kept a breast, you wouldn’t be seeing a mistress--or me now."

Rosie O’Donnell, who sponsors a cruise ship for gay families called "R Family Cruises," has announced she will help Haitian earthquake victims by having an "All You Can’t Eat Cruise." Rosie explained, "All the leftover food that the gay families don’t eat, we’ll box it up and send to Haiti. If Haitians don’t like these box lunches, I’ll eat them because as my wife knows, I’ve never turned down a box lunch."

Singing sensation Susan Boyle said she felt fine after she found a youth intruding into her home in Scotland. Her dad noted, "Unfortunately, this wanker wasn’t scared off

Cindy McCain, the wife of 2008 Republican presidential nominee John McCain, has posed for an ad endorsing pro-gay marriage forces in California. She noted, "Seems to me that gays have the same constitutional right as the rest of us to be married and miserable. Besides, my husband John is sooooo gay. He spent years as a POW in a room the size of a closet-and he’s been out of the closet for years!"

Hanes Underwear has dropped Charlie Sheen from its underwear ad campaign. Fortunately, "Haines Nigeria," an "offspring underwear" company in Nigeria that makes special underwear "fit to to hold more than one explosive package," hired Mr. Sheen for an ad campaign--only to fire him. A spokesman noted, "Unfortunately, we found that the only thing explosive about Mr. Sheen is his temper-and that his package is a dud." Mr. Sheen then angrily fired off e-mails to his Nigerian employer-which read: "Mr. Hanes has won a lottery and has millions waiting for him if he’ll only send Mr. Sheen his social security number and bank account information."

After hearing that "comedienne" Kathy Griffin was fired from CNN for dropping the f-bomb on this year’s New Year’s Eve show, Rosie O’Donnell pitched herself for the job-only to be told that she didn’t have the experience. A CNN spokesman explained, "Unfortunately, Rosie can’t report on a ball dropping at midnight because she’s never seen any kind of ball drop at midnight-or mid-day-or mid-morning-or mid-afternoon...."