A Transitional Dilemma: Some Sex Changes Change Back-Again
Mike Penner was what you could call a guy’s guy. A sportswriter for the Los Angeles Times--you can’t get much more macho than that. So it made news across the country when he returned from an extended time-off in April 2007 and returned to the sports desk as Christine Daniels.
But Daniels’ 15 minutes of fame had been extended. In October of last year, Daniels shocked the world yet again when he returned to his job after another leave of absence. Only this time, he came back as Mike Penner. Christine Daniels transitioned again--back to a man.
Penner’s story has focused attention on those few cases of buyer’s remorse. When does a person decide that a sex change wasn’t the right thing to do? What motivates such a person? Does it present a bad image to those who wish to transition? Does it give ammunition to enemies of LGBT rights, those who claim that changing sexes is unnatural or against God’s law?
Part of the problem is the daunting obstacles facing anyone who makes a sex change. In the 60 years since an American ex-serivceman exploded on the world stage by having a sex change in Denmark and becoming Christine Jorgensen, there has been progress in acceptance of gender identity. But there has also been a retrenchment. In fact, Jorgensen herself received relatively little discrimination.
Compare that to what people who under go sex changes experience now, in their private life, their families and work (if they can get a job).
If you’ve ever improved your life by moving to a different city, changing jobs or dating extensively before finding a partner, you’ve probably received praise, support, and newfound credibility for that transition. Yet for those who switch back and forth between gender identities, the ongoing process of self realization is often greeted with skepticism from a culture which still finds the very notion of gender fluidity difficult to fathom.
Becky Allison, M.D. is a cardiologist who has gone through a gender transition. She refers to the process of making multiple transitions (such as male-to-female-to-male) as "gender detransition." A return to the birth gender often evokes reactions of puzzlement even among those who consider themselves accepting and enlightened. "People tend to be tolerant of diversity," Allison happily notes, "but they’re a little spooked by going back and forth."
Allison likens the public nature of transitioning to a bell; once rung, you can’t unring it. "It’s in people’s memory banks. If Joe becomes Jane and goes back to Joe again, they’ll remember this as part of their past and that’s going to color their feelings for the person." You can go back to your previous gender identity, Allison observes, but in doing so, "you’ve labeled yourself as a person who has some ’issues.’"
Some Ask: Is It Some People Just ’Can’t Make Up Their Mind’?
Skepticism is often the first -- and only -- reaction from a "society operating on a superficial level." Without knowing the circumstances surrounding the decision to detransition, "It’s easy to say that person just can’t make up their mind; to dismiss them as not being serious, or doing any deep thinking -- and that’s rarely true."
Talk radio host and attorney Robin Goldstein has devoted much of her life--and much deep thought--to her own quest for gender identity and personal fulfillment.
At 51, she’s gone from male to female to male and back again to female. This decades-long process has inspired its share of perplexed reactions.
Asked what she identifies as now, Goldstein describes herself only half jokingly as "a straight, white, Buddhist, vegetarian, lesbian fraternity boy trapped in the body of a recovering transsexual patent attorney with a bizarre sense of humor, and a master’s degree in city planning."
That laundry list acknowledges the humor and absurdity surrounding the misconception that any of us can be summed up by one simple reference to gender, career or disposition.
For Goldstein, the point she arrived at after the long process of transition and detransition is confidence and contentment -- society be damned. "The first time I transitioned," Goldstein recalls, "I felt I needed to ask permission to those around me. Some people freaked out." The second time, "I was still concerned about it, but had more of a sense of power." By the third time, "It was like, dude, whatever. I am who I am. If you love and support me, great -- and if you don’t, fuck you."
No longer concerned with justifying her motives, Goldstein says her journey is not so different than others who go through a succession of jobs, homes, or significant others before settling down. "It’s not about being trans. It’s about reaching our potential fulfillment as human beings."
In a perfect world, "people can adopt and discard identities according to the task at hand," Goldstein says. As it is, however, her multiple--some would say serial--transitions were met with just as much skepticism from the trans community as heterosexual society at large.
The first time around, "There was a lot of judgment when I decided I was not going to have the surgery. Somebody said, oh that’s right, you’re not serious about this." It seems everyone wants to up the body count of their team, and life changes interpreted as indecisiveness are a threat to unit cohesion.
Nancy Nangeroni is co-producer of Gender Vision, which seeks to inform and inspire positive social change by presenting educational video programming about gender diversity and social justice issues. She’s also hosted the radio program Gender Talk, which can be accessed at www.gendertalk.com.
Concerning negative reactions to gender detransition from those in the trans community, Nangeroni says "It may be upsetting to trans people who are struggling for their own right to transition, to see someone transitioning back as undermining the legitimacy of their own needs."
However, upon reflection, reasonable people who disagree often reach a consensus on the matter that "We all make mistakes, and also learn and grow. Who are we to say it’s not the right thing for someone to experience living as a gender opposite to their birth sex in order to learn that that isn’t the right thing for them?" As for societal prejudice, "I think people opposed to gender transition will seize on just about anything to oppose our free exercise of gender expression and identity."
Goldstein says that many who detransition do it relatively soon after they transition - because their decision was based on the belief that "once I transition, everything will be fixed; but you still haven’t figured out everything else in your life."
For Goldstein, the first transition from male to female "cleared me up to look at the other things in my life that weren’t working properly. I had other issues in my life, came about to twist and torque my life to fit the male gender role. Once I no longer felt that obligation, I am not happy in work, I don’t like the way I treat people. I used that as a stepping point to take care of my whole life."
Five years after living as a female, Goldstein "still didn’t feel right for everything I was doing. Parts of me still felt it was wrong. I never felt I was a woman trapped in a man’s body, though. I felt I had elements of both; elements of either extreme.
Living as a male again, she took the lessons learned and "tried to integrate them into the world I came from. I did that for another four years. When I went back to male, it was like an old familiar friend. Now I am a trumpet player who also knows how to play the saxophone."
Goldstein also cites loss of the male power dynamic as figuring into her decision to go back to her original gender identity. The status granted to men in the workplace and denied to her as a female was a revelation. She recalls a meeting she’d led shortly after transitioning to female. Before, as a man, "I commanded the center of the room."
As a female leading the meeting, "A bunch of people started interrupting me. Women talk about this all the time. I listened to this person who interrupting me and said that’s an interesting point, but I wasn’t’ finished talking. That’s the kind of thing a guy can say to a guy, but I now became a castrating bitch." Once living as a man again, she "was now more sensitive to the social interactions of these meetings. I became more sensitized to the people around me."
Ultimately, however, life as a man led her to feel that "This is still not right. It might be that neither is a perfect fit." She realized "You’re going to have to squeeze and push in both roles; but which one feels like you are straining the least? For me, it was the female role."
