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A Transitional Dilemma: Some Sex Changes Change Back-Again
In a perfect world, "people can adopt and discard identities according to the task at hand," Goldstein says. As it is, however, her multiple--some would say serial--transitions were met with just as much skepticism from the trans community as heterosexual society at large.
The first time around, "There was a lot of judgment when I decided I was not going to have the surgery. Somebody said, oh that’s right, you’re not serious about this." It seems everyone wants to up the body count of their team, and life changes interpreted as indecisiveness are a threat to unit cohesion.
Nancy Nangeroni is co-producer of Gender Vision, which seeks to inform and inspire positive social change by presenting educational video programming about gender diversity and social justice issues. She’s also hosted the radio program Gender Talk, which can be accessed at www.gendertalk.com.
Concerning negative reactions to gender detransition from those in the trans community, Nangeroni says "It may be upsetting to trans people who are struggling for their own right to transition, to see someone transitioning back as undermining the legitimacy of their own needs."
However, upon reflection, reasonable people who disagree often reach a consensus on the matter that "We all make mistakes, and also learn and grow. Who are we to say it’s not the right thing for someone to experience living as a gender opposite to their birth sex in order to learn that that isn’t the right thing for them?" As for societal prejudice, "I think people opposed to gender transition will seize on just about anything to oppose our free exercise of gender expression and identity."
Goldstein says that many who detransition do it relatively soon after they transition - because their decision was based on the belief that "once I transition, everything will be fixed; but you still haven’t figured out everything else in your life."
For Goldstein, the first transition from male to female "cleared me up to look at the other things in my life that weren’t working properly. I had other issues in my life, came about to twist and torque my life to fit the male gender role. Once I no longer felt that obligation, I am not happy in work, I don’t like the way I treat people. I used that as a stepping point to take care of my whole life."
Five years after living as a female, Goldstein "still didn’t feel right for everything I was doing. Parts of me still felt it was wrong. I never felt I was a woman trapped in a man’s body, though. I felt I had elements of both; elements of either extreme.
Living as a male again, she took the lessons learned and "tried to integrate them into the world I came from. I did that for another four years. When I went back to male, it was like an old familiar friend. Now I am a trumpet player who also knows how to play the saxophone."
Goldstein also cites loss of the male power dynamic as figuring into her decision to go back to her original gender identity. The status granted to men in the workplace and denied to her as a female was a revelation. She recalls a meeting she’d led shortly after transitioning to female. Before, as a man, "I commanded the center of the room."
As a female leading the meeting, "A bunch of people started interrupting me. Women talk about this all the time. I listened to this person who interrupting me and said that’s an interesting point, but I wasn’t’ finished talking. That’s the kind of thing a guy can say to a guy, but I now became a castrating bitch." Once living as a man again, she "was now more sensitive to the social interactions of these meetings. I became more sensitized to the people around me."
Ultimately, however, life as a man led her to feel that "This is still not right. It might be that neither is a perfect fit." She realized "You’re going to have to squeeze and push in both roles; but which one feels like you are straining the least? For me, it was the female role."
Scott Stiffler is a New York City based writer and comedian who has performed stand-up, improv, and sketch comedy. His show, "Sammy’s at The Palace. . .at Don’t Tell Mama"---a spoof of Liza Minnelli’s 2008 NYC performance at The Palace Theatre, recently had a NYC run. He must eat twice his weight in fish every day, or he becomes radioactive.
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