EDGE on the Net

Talk about an inappropriate location. Online?!? I’m not talking about bars and clubs, no, I’m talking about the World Wide Web. Yes, the place people seem to gravitate to after they’ve been out at the bars and clubs. I’m not talking about the ones who are looking for Mr. Right Now. That’s perfectly understandable, and they’ve come to the right place. No, I mean the ones who are desperately seeking Mr. Right. Or at least, the ones who claim they are.

False advertising at its best. Take your pick of Grindr, Daddyhunt, Manhunt, Adam4Adam, SilverDaddies, Craigslist ... Why do guys shop at the wrong store for permanent merchandise? Why are they at the takeout counter when they claim they want a table for two for a sit-down meal?

Marketing and sales skills are required in plenty of places outside of the boardroom. One of them is in the world of romance. It’s truly amazing how many accomplished gay men, who can navigate their way around the cutthroat worlds of business, the lively and plastic arts, media, and fashion and style are so completely clueless when it comes to looking for love. I mean, how can you be online, with a photo of your perfectly fuzzy butt staring me in the face, and then have a subtitle that says "just here for friends, no hookups," or that old stalwart "only looking for LTR."

Oh, really? You’re looking only for friends, but your introduction is your hunky hump? What’s worse is your implication that all of those other trickable wannabes giving the guys their money shots of manscaped chest, steeped abs and the inevitable happy trail leading to your happy ending - you know, the ones who are openly (if not always proudly) looking for a hook-up - are sex-crazed tina queens. What are you doing on these sites - which couldn’t be more open about their purpose - than taking up valuable real estate where someone serious could have been? You know something? You’re being downright rude - kind of like going to McDonald’s and yelling at the cashier for Kung Pao Chicken. "Hey, I’m in the mood for Chinese food, let’s go to McDonald’s and order some?" What would the fast-food addicts around you think? A crazy man!

It’s no different online. Take Grindr, the highly popular iPhone app gives you instant notice and location of nearby guys who are ready to get down and dirty. Yet, even on this most upfront of hook-up sites, you can find "Taken," "Not into hooking up" and "No quickies" headlines - all the while having a photo of something other than their faces. If you want friends, post your face photo (yes, your face - not your backside or your torso) on genuine family-friendly social-networking sites like Facebook, Freindster, Findfred or Gay.com. These provide the appropriate venues for the shameless self-promotion of your virtuosity and pursuit of Platonic relationships. Dude, your headless, naked, rock-hard photo on Adam4Adam - the one that leads with "Just moved here, only looking for friends and workout buddies" - is making my head hurt. Both of them.

Maybe it’s an age thing. Although I can’t seem to get a definitive range, this dark-night-of-the-soul hypocrisy seems to be particularly endemic in the 20-to-31 crowd. Blame it on the inexperience of youth, but really: What did your parents teach you? If you are looking for friends to "hang" and "be cool" with, why do I need to know whether or not you shave your balls but not your last name or occupation?

Take "btm4topnow" for example. Facelesss, hairless, plump and obviously hungry. His profile is a simple one, simply put: "Not into hookups. Stop asking. Just good people and friends." Hmmm, I’d stop asking if you’d stop winking. And remember that I haven’t even seen your face yet.

And then there is "Seriouslyperfect," who states, "I am aiming for perfection in everything I do, and I expect the same." A photo of his ripped, lean, cut-up torso testifies to that. And should you wonder, "What are your hobbies, interests, friends like?" Well, it’s hard to tell, because the second line dictates: "No old, uglies, fatties or gross wierdo’s [sic]. Not here for sex, just perfection." What a lovely online resumé. I might just come right over and make you a perfect meal, a perfect drink, and have you as my perfect pet for all of eternity. Why, I couldn’t imagine living without you, except, that you are on a sex site. Since you don’t seem to know the difference between black and white, I’ll take your perfect little attitude and put it where it belongs - in my "blocked" file.

Topping it all off is my personal favorite, the eponymous "Goldenboy," who is wading through SilverDaddies, of all places, looking for love. That normally wouldn’t raise an eyebrow, since clearly there is high demand to match wealthy older gentlemen with needy twinks. But in this case, his "crack shot" in three layers of underwear suggests something else. "No one over 27, I will block you" is his leading line. Maybe this chicken should Google "Where to find fast food that’s healthy" and see if Grindr comes up. Meanwhile, he and the rest will continue to stand in line at McDonald’s waiting patiently for that Kung Pao Chicken.